Q:  How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Illumination is irrelevant.

Humor is irrelevant!
__________________________
 Q. What does a depressed Borg say?
 A. Everything's NOT futile.

 Q: Why did the Borg cross the road?
 A: Standing there was futile.
_______________________________________________________________
Top 10 Reasons the Borg have NOT returned to fight the Federation
again:

10. New assimilation software turned out to be vaporware; back to
    square one when the supplier's 1-800 number was disconnected.
9. Assimilation of Locutus caused chaos as the Borg became caught
   up in a massive Sam Spade adventure game craze.
8. If Earth were assimilated, the commute from Borg home planet
   would be a killer drive.
7. Collective Borg decided a cube was to complicated a form -
   awaiting building of a new pyramid ship.
6. Earth was too blue for their tastes; they were hoping for an
   emerald green planet, something in a teal, with tasteful lavender
   clouds.
5. Bidding war for exclusive appearance in Coke or Pepsi
   commercials too agonizing a choice... returned home to rebuild
   decision circuits.
4. Earth too close to the sun... would ruin their cultivated
   pallor.
3. They heard that Worf bragged of personally kicking their butts
   if they showed their face in the sector again...began laughing
   for first time, haven't stopped yet.
2. $29 navigation chip failed..they now have NO idea where Earth
   is..wandering out by the Cardassians, asking directions.

And the number one reason the Borg haven't returned to Earth....

1. WESLEY CRUSHER

(Your jokes are too funny.  You will be assimilated.  Your piece
de resistance is useless.)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Borg walk into a bar.  One Borg says to the other, "Did you
hear about that city that was burned down in Argentina?"  The
other Borg replies, "Yeah, just goes to show you; Resistencia is
fusil."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
    A Borg was walking down a country road when he saw a donkey
in a field nearby.  Climbing over the fence, he pulled out his
hand weapon, prayed loudly, and disintegrated the creature.
    The farmer who lived there ran out the door.  "What in the
world was that?"
    "Why," said the Borg, "What else?  Ass immolation."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
        When the Borg first entered the Blggggrhrhrh! galaxy,
they were forced to battle against the reknowned space warrior,
Eustace Nxgh of Barberpole V. Nxgh battled them so often and so
doggedly that they immortalized him in what became one of their
favorite aphorisms: "Resistance is Eustace"
_____________________________________
>>>>>>>>>Smiley faces are irrelevant!
-------------------------------------
 :)                standard smiley face

 &I                A Borg  (??)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:

"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."

Now for a few quick imitations:

Happy Borg:  &>
Sad Borg:  &<
Locutus:  ;|
Drunk or Stoned Borg:  #)
Borg on Acid: @)
===============================================================================

McBorg - Over Half a billion assimilated.
Borger King - you will have it _our_ way.  Special orders are irrevelant.
I'm Homer of Borg.  You will be assim...Oooh Donuts
I'm Zsa Zsa gaBorg.  You will be assimhalated, dahling
FROM BARNEY THE BORG: We are we, we are we.  Resistance is futility.

-----------------------------------------
Here's your chance to become a Borg!

The following is the complete list of BORG ME NOW...
For all those trekkies out there who still haven't gotten that life...
These ads were prompted by the notion that with humanity, you don't force them
to do anything.... that's silly... you shouldn't freely give something like
Borg assimilation away... you should sell it to them... then they will think
they are getting a good deal...  :)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
        Join the Borg Now, and you'll become a member of the universe's
        greatest collective!

        Not only that, but you also get a life time subscription to:
                BORG magazine... now with printed in environmentally
                friendly virtual reality.

        Now isn't that worth sacrificing all the sheep in this world?
        But wait, you will also have the satisfaction of knowing that
        the hairclub for men will be out of business!

        So call 1-8WE-ARE-BORG, to find out how to get your free cybernetic
        implant. And no salesmen will call and you will not be refused entry
        based on your medical. Your acceptance is guaranteed, regardless of
        your age. And remember we are not just the Borg salespeople we are
        also members.

        Call now and you will also get your very own Borg Eye at no extra
        charge! It sees through dry walls, lets you monitor heart rates,
        dices and peels....

        That's 1-8WE-ARE-BORG, have your social insurance card standing by.
        Must be 2 months of age or older. Those under 18 must have
        parental consent or stupid parents.... Batteries not included.
        Some assembly required.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:)      Call now... 1-800-BORG-ME-1...

        You get this nice bionic arm (Some surgerical assembly required.)...
        This handy built in tri-corder...
        A disruptor attachment...
        12 D cell, Plutonium rechargeable batteries...
        120-240V travel charger...
        3 gallons of black paint...
        250 mL of Mr. Bald shampoo...
        These matching set of Borg logo decals, in Gray or Burgundy...
        And the Borg electronic eye implement at no extra charge,
        It see through walls, changes colour when you are scared...
        But wait there's more....

        You also get these handy dandy borg tubes to stick in various parts
        of your face....
        A life time supply of PALE-O-SKIN...
        Plus 8000 hours of free time on the Borg cellular, subspace network.

        All with your introductory Borg brain implant.
        So easy to use... even a child can use it...
        All you have to do is put on the Borg implant inserter on your head
        like any other helmet, insert the implant chips and press the big
        RED button label "Okay"...

        So no more feeling lonely, you can have thousands of friends on
        line, hey there's a party going on... what are you waiting for?
        Call 1-800-BORG-ME-1!

        Don't pay a cent. No payments, no interest, until 2495! And your
        implements are guaranteed for life. No salesmen will call, and you
        don't have to get a medical.

        "When my husband died, no one knew the combination to our safe..."
        Well with the Borg union plan, you never have to worry, you'll know
        everything we know....and your dead relatives too...

        Plus, for the first 10000 callers in the next ten minute will also
        get this second borg arm implement. It slices, dices, peels, makes
        french fries, grates cheese and more... Make Poutine in a jiffy...
        or Texas chille fries! It even keeps stray cats from returning to
        your back yard. And it's water resistant!

        And if you say "I REALLY want to be a Borg", you will also receive
        this nice mini recharger, for those snacks between meals. Perfect on
        a hot afternoon...

        Well, what are you waiting for? Call 1-800-BORG-ME-1 now!

        Some assembly require tools not included...
        Adapters required for Klingons, Cardassians and or there races with
        ridgy facial features.
        Not available in some parts of the neutral zone.
        Void where prohibited by Borg law...
        Canadian callers please add Goods and Services Tax (GST)...
        Electronic parts are UL listed and CSA approved...



-----------------------------------------

The following is the complete list of BORG ME NOW...
For all those trekkies out there who still haven't gotten that life...
These ads were prompted by the notion that with humanity, you don't force them
to do anything.... that's silly... you shouldn't freely give something like
Borg assimilation away... you should sell it to them... then they will think
they are getting a good deal...  :)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following is a paid advertisement for the Borg Tech Academy...

-William Shatner, as Kirk speaking...

"Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do....Now you can train for
that better carrier...

How many times have others told you: "Trekkie, get a life!" ?  :)
Well now you can with Borg Tech Academy...

Train at home, on the following subjects:
        -Borg ship maintenance...
        -Carving up Galaxy starships...
        -Assimilating hostiles...
        -Sub-space communications...
        -Xeno-technology...
        -High school...
        -Regeneration...
        -Field adaptation...
        -Group therapy...
        -The entire works of Karl Marx...
        -Even get your diploma in Energy accounting....
All without stepping foot inside a classroom. All you have to do is hook up
to the Borg nets and get millions of on line lessons... and help is always
a sub-space call away... You won't fall and not be able to get up again.

Graduates of BTA, go on to SERVICE THE BORG! Why spend years in starfleet
academy only to be tormented by Wesley Crusher? Why do that and end up in a
silly Galaxy class, (or worse yet, get stationed in DS9!) when you could be
in a Borg Cube-7 class able to go twice as fast. Learn new weapon systems as
they are being developed...

<Editor's note: Notice how Steve JOBS' computer, the NeXT Cubes look allot
like Borg ships? Coincidence? I think not...>

And that's not all, you also get your own be a Borg kit....that will get you
hooked up in minutes...

So call now for your free information diskette. And we'll get you started on
the new life, that others wish you had... :)

Call 1-800-BE-A-BORG...to reserve your personal copy...

Tell them Admiral Kirk sent you....

(Sure beats having the rank of Commodore and selling Vic-20's... :)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just imagine... the Ferengi assimilated by the Borg... in a non hostile...
mutually profitable manner...

-Resistance is quite expensive and unprofitable, Hoomaan!
-You will be assimilated, for the low price of one piece of gold press
latinum.
-Negotiation is difficult, just take the given price.
-Unfair bargaining would be punished...
-From now on you will purchase from the Forg! :) :) :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, have you looked at your long distance bill lately...
Well, if you have friends.... you will notice you phone them and not
perfect strangers....

Now, with BCI (Borg Communications Inc.) you can talk to all your friends
all the time. No matter where you are and no matter where they are... At
phenomenal savings....

Our new 100% digital subspace systems makes sure you get perfectly clear
thoughts any time of the day. And there is no chance of delays... So
switch now... and get hooked...

Join our friends and family plan too! Just give us a list of your favorite
gullable friends and we'll get them hooked too! And you'll get your 11th
month FREE! And if your not satisfied, we'll switch you back... but
believe us, you won't be....

Call 1-666-BORG-NOW! (Don't have to dial the "!"...)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene, a young guy (dressed in a T-shirt and shorts) using the internet
on a computer terminal, in a dingey computer room, in the basement of an old
university building... reading news..

All of the sudden nifty green light surrounds him... and he fades into
nothingness along with the green light.

Narrator: "Imagine visiting yourself in the future...."

Poof! The guy appears in a scene with a long corridor, ending in a matte
painting... and lots of nifty machinery on the walls.

A guy that looks just like our first person, but older appears around the
corner... he's dressed like a Borg...

Older guy:"Still reading the news the old way?"

Young guy:"Hey, you're me! I am, I mean: We are, 55!"

Older guy:"Yes, we are Borg."

Young guy:"We're assimilated!"

Older guy:"That's right, you will be too!"

Young guy:"How can we afford it?"

Older guy:"No-freedom 55."

Young guy:"But we don't like insurance or attachments..."

Older guy:"No-freedom 55 does require any attachments, it lets you keep
your hair! And it isn't just insurance... it has all sorts of nifty
options. All you need is an internet connection."

Narrator:"At Borg Life, we believe Life insurance is also for the
assimilated..."

Young guy:"I'm gonna miss being alone..."

Older guy:"Not as much as you're gonna miss your genitals!"

Narrator:"Borg Life, get a Life, get the Life that others said you always
needed! Talk to your Borg life representitive today!"

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :O

:) S.H.I.N. = Synthetic Human Infiltration Node.
   Cybernetic unit.
   CPU: Hexadecimium.           FPU: not present.
   RAM: 10 minutes worth.       ROM: Non-standard proprietary.
   BIOS: SHINthetic systems.    Fixed Disk: 24 years worth.

   Basic unit features:
   Natural skin covered, calcium carbonate endo-skeleton.
   Realistic scent. Genuine People Personality with Cliff Claven mode.
   BORG local bus compatible expansion slot.
   300 watt power supply. Zero-sleep states.
   23 year warranty.
:) S.H.I.N. = Synthetic Human Infiltration Node.
   Cybernetic unit.
   CPU: Hexadecimium.           FPU: not present.
   RAM: 10 minutes worth.       ROM: Non-standard proprietary.
   BIOS: SHINthetic systems.    Fixed Disk: 24 years worth.


